Revisions

Kate - both of your poems tell a story.  In the first, it's a destruction of a building, and of a person, and who knows what else?  In the second, you recount the details of the home in which you live.  You have a strong sense of storytelling, and the narrative in both are intriguing.  The poems feel more like prose than poetry, though, because you tackle so much, try to tell so much.  Why not focus on one thing and expand that image.  In Child's Walk, why not focus on the medals on the wall or the pancake aroma?  Expand the image, give it a lot of detail, see if you can make us feel what you feel by examining just one thing.
Mimi Moriarty


The Building
Sadly,
It reminds me of him.
Everything reminds me of him.
The sounds on the inside echo the past 18 months
my imagination of the blood and tears that were shed
make me shiver
The outside portrays the parts we don’t see.
The memories they bring home
But you didn’t.
No one is lucky
I am not lucky
This reminds me of you its brand new
so young
but is so worn
the cover still looks calm and happy
even after the hurricane swept through
even after there was no one to take care of it
even when sights and sounds could have wrecked it,
it stood
you stood
It took only a short time to destruct
would have happened to anything
your outside finally caught up with you
the pain was out of anyone’s control
it fell
and so did you.



Revised: The Building

I worry when you're away,
it reminds me of you
untouched and brand new
too young to be on your own.
Its calm and poised
just like you
The siding is bright and clean
Your skin only scared from playing outside
I worry when you're away,
inside is old and worn
while the outside hides the dangers,
the ones we've never herd of
anything could have wrecked it,
could have wrecked you.
your now rough skin is only seen photographs
you seem so distant
It was strong
It stood after the hurricane
It learned to stand alone
it was strong
you were strong
it destructed.
you destructed.
we destructed.
I worry when you're away

I like the other poem better so this was hard for me to change it, there was so  much I wanted to keep in from the origional so trying to change it was difficult. I was also trying to do what she was suggesting but I wasn't exactly clear I tried to make it more of the same theme.



Childs Walk
As I roll over in bed the sun shining through my almost
opaque curtains wakes me up
Its not yet quarter to eight but I slide my feet into the slippers who are patiently awaiting my company
The morning dew is still covering the grass,as the mail man casually glides up our front steps
I can smell the pancakes being cooked from rooms away, the aroma making my stomach growl            
As I pass from room to room I can't help but look at the same dresser, the same picture frame and the same rocking chair that I do every other morning.
But today, today is different
Today I linger in our family room a minute longer taking notice to the metals hanging on our walls
I glance at the lamp and wonder where it came from.
Was it hand made in Germany or an maybe an engagement gift?
The room seems so foreign yet I walk through it every day
never really taking notcie to the tiny detals.
The house I’ve lived in for nine years suddenly feels unfamiliar.

Revised: Childs Walk
Pride

Today for the first time I am looking
the metals hanging on the wall ,
round and smooth, perfection
cold like the tile floor
I outline my mothers name carved into the edge,
the once bright red ribbon 
is now dulled and fraying from the ware of pride
the metal is filled with hard work and dedication
and the school record holder
the metals meaning so much more than first place
the shiny polished metals reflect the light
making them gleam in the sun
still the metals shine of her accomplishments
and
Pride

I like this revised poem better because its more specific and has more of a point rather than discussing everything that fits in the topic of a childs walk. This helped me narrow it down and describe specific things about the metals.